This Isn’t Me

This isn't me cover“Beautiful and devastating” 

Ranvir Singh, Presenter of Good Morning Britain


This Isn’t Me is the story of my journey into a heroin addiction and recovery, and then subsequent alcohol addiction that lasted over 27 years.  It is about the horrifying shock of realizing that my alcoholism was impossible to overcome, even with all the available interventions and professional support I engaged with for over 15 years, when I had successfully overcome heroin with none.

It details the relationship between myself and my now 19-year-old son. About being a single mother and the absolute joy of the gift of him. A joy that turned into the crippling nightmare of severe post-natal depression, requiring in-house psychiatric care on two occasions, and my return to drinking and then self-harm to cope.

I write of my despair on realizing that I would die an alcoholic after being informed that my liver was damaged. Of the deceptions and self-disgust, of my complete desperation to be different.

And then it details the miraculous, magenta moment just over three years ago when I just stopped drinking.  No last drink, I simply stopped.  Of the “how” and “why” of my stopping. My sobriety is easy, and I do not attend any interventions or have any therapy or support.  I just don’t drink. Even after my first sober, truly painful experience of loss of a loved one, alcohol did not enter my mind. I even have alcohol in the house, I just don’t see it.

It tells of my total commitment to helping my son heal as much as possible in a healthy way where his hurts and confusion are discussed and talked through, as and when he needs those conversations. I write about where I am now, where we are now in our relationship, our closeness, our friendship, our love and understanding.

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