Coming Home To Me

Finding my way back to me……………

For a very long time I was lost, completely lost and then I wasn’t.  This is how I found my way home.  This is my journey back to me.

There is someone waiting for all who are still suffering in their painful habit. Someone waiting at home with open arms and heart.  I promise you x

Four years ago, sometime in May, I stood in my kitchen, staring at the last few inches in the half bottle of vodka that I must have missed the night before when I was drunk.  I had walked, in a daze from my bedroom, half of me dreading my reaction to the booze in front of me, the other half experiencing an emotion I couldn’t identify then and still can’t now.

Would I do my usual, pick it up and swig the remains straight from the bottle? I could justify it, I had passed my self-imposed, but flexible, “I never drink in the morning” rule and even better, I didn’t have to do anything that evening, other than a quick visit to the shops to top up my not-so-secret vodka stash, that would necessity hiding my drinking those dregs.

This time though, as I picked the bottle up and examined its contents, the first of many incredible kaleidoscopic shifts occurred within me and the landscape of my life, my future changed forever.  Just minutes before I had been in total despair as I wrote a letter of love to my son.  A letter attempting to explain the un-explainable – that I was going to leave him, to die because I couldn’t stop pouring  booze down my throat, and that although he was and always would be the love of my life, I had no choice but to put alcohol before him because I was an addict, and that quitting was, as he had already seen far too many times, completely beyond me.

As I wrote sobbing in defeat, knowing absolutely the mountain of unnecessary suffering my leaving would cause him, a door in my cognition had opened almost imperceptibly, and it was this opening that had got me up from my desk and down into the kitchen to the vodka bottle. There that door had burst wide open, straight off of its hinges, and I had understood, finally after more than 27 years of feeling hopeless, powerless and out of control around alcohol, that I had chosen drink, it hadn’t chosen me.  I was responsible for all the chaos and destruction my choice to drink had caused, and that I alone, not alcohol, was to blame.  Then, incredibly, with that one simple insight, and acceptance of responsibility over my choices past, present and future, I was free.

I let the drunk, broken self I had become, stumble through that door and into a place I had dreamed of for so many years of my life, a place that I never thought I could reach, that had no space for someone like me.  A place that I had on rare occasions been allowed to catch a glimpse of, but always and forever denied entry too.  And as I faltered forward uncertainly into this new place, I was met by a kind, compassionate woman, warm and loving who opened her arms to welcome me, without judgement or condemnation.

A woman who had waited patiently for me all those years, knowing that I was lost, so very far from home, desperately sad and feeling utterly alone. Her beautiful smile told me that she had always known that I would come back, that I would make it through the darkness and storms of my addiction, believing in me and loving me as she had through everything I had done.

I fell into this good, kind woman’s arms and she held me close and forgave me.  Then as I clung to her and she comforted me, I dissolved first into the essence of the lonely little girl who had grieved for her mother for so many years before she had died, before maturing into the desolate 27 year old who no longer had the chance to make peace with her mother, to tell her she loved her. And from there shifting in form into the mother I myself became, isolated, frightened and suffering from severe post-natal depression, before finally settling into the woman who had longed so much to be the mother her child deserved, the mother I sensed I could be, but could never quite become.

This lovely woman, generous of heart and spirit, held me tight as she kissed away that little girl’s loss, and together we let her go.  Then, following her departure, the spirit of every other painful person, every incarnation of the drunk I had become followed, acknowledged, forgiven and in peace.

I gave in that day in my kitchen and allowed myself to be claimed by someone who loved and cared for me above anyone or anything else.  I did this because I had recognized as soon as I saw her. I knew she would never let me down if I just trusted and put my faith in my survival in her.

After all my pain was gone, after the drunk me had been absolved and understood, what was left was just the two of us, a mirror image of each other, no longer separated by the hurt, damage and chaos my drinking had caused.

I had come home, I had found a way back to the person I was before I was a drunk, and I knew instinctively, as we clung together, both in relief and release, that this good, kind and loving woman was me.

Love & respect to all those who are lost right now x

Sonia x

Insights from a (formerly) Drunk Mother

Welcome to the launch of my blog, Insights from a (Formerly) Drunk Mother.  This is an unexpectedly proud day for me, not only am I living my dream of being the sober happy mother and woman I never thought I could be,  but I am also in the privileged position of being able to offer help and support to my fellow travelers seeking the inner peace that comes with freedom from our unhappy emotional habits. And trust me on this,  whether your poison is food or booze, all soul destroying unhappy habits are firmly rooted in the same place,  the personal emotions & conditioning that are so safely and securely stored in our immensely powerful unconscious mind.

In my weekly blog posts I am going to share with you all the wisdom I have gained on my continuing sober journey.  I write wisdom not knowledge as knowledge is not enough, it is what we take from that knowledge, how we interpret it, and how that interpretation resonates within us that enables profound change.

If you have read my book, This Isn’t Me , you will know that for me, realizing that I had a choice to drink or not to drink rocked my world completely.  It smashed all my pre-conceived, and, almost literally, fatally flawed thinking around my alcoholism, addiction across the board and chances of recovery.

In an instant my world changed,  I suddenly had the insight I didn’t even know I needed. I ‘got it’, I ‘got me’ and by ‘getting me’, I had a clear way forward that nothing and no-one else’s view of alcoholism and my freedom from it could deflect me from.  I know me better than any book, group, lecture or tried and tested formula for recovery, and thank’s very much for the input, I’ll go with me.

However, what worked for me won’t necessarily work for someone else.  Others have read and understood my insight, but in their view of the world, with their conditioning around alcohol,  their personal history, thier booze history and thier experience of  attempts to quit, my recovery can sound amazing.  People tell me that I am amazing but that what I have achieved is completely beyond them.

My moment of insight was amazing, but I am not.  I simply understood something that hit one of my deepest held core values, (the responsibility of choice), and in doing so, I put myself, without even trying,  firmly back in control and on an unwavering path to sobriety.  God, I love that word! x

So, the blog posts that are to follow are my best attempt to unweave the unhelpful, faulty information we are drip fed from a far too young age as to alcohol, its place in society, what it gives to us, how ‘harmless’ it is  – which it can seem to be until you want to stop, and usually, in that very moment, you realize you can’t………….. As well as to challenge the accepted wide spread views on recovery (of which we have no chance because we are addicts), well hell no, I am living proof that is bull**** .

My aim is to give you the best opportunity to at least shift the unseen alcohol blinkers you may be wearing, that will help you find your insight too.

I am going to be honest and straightforward, and all I ask of you is that you turn up, tune in and read with an open mind.  If I sound crazy, laugh at me, but then please read again.  I want nothing from you, yet have everything to give.

If you don’t like or understand anything, email me.  I will always answer.

The road to recovery has been sold to you as an uphill, rocky terrain.  A journey on which you must always have a white nuckle grip on the steering wheel of you, sweating with anticipation of  the alcohol quivalent of a speed bump or pot hole, always driving at the edge of a precipice, with no rest stops and nowhere to park.  It doesn’t have to be.

Instead, I invite you to buckle up, roll down your windows and enjoy the journey.  Feel the breeze blow through your open mind as it loosens your thinking, learning to smell the freshness that comes with an alcohol free body.  Steering your life your way, in the direction you want to go to, responsible, accountable and in control.

There is a beautiful life out there waiting for all my fellow travellers, we have just lost our way for a while.

Bring your sandwiches, a bottle of water (out pops the nutritionist in me), and enjoy the way your life naturally changes as we trundle down the not-so-confusing-after-all road to sobriety.

PS.  I have even lovingly lit the way with candles.

Until next week.  Love & respect. x

If you would like to keep up to date with my blogs, news & offers, click on the link for my Breakthrough Mentor Newsletter



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